did I tell you that I am trying to be positive? I really am...really.

I am in a pretty bad freakin mood. I have been trying to stay positive and I KNOW that whatever I focus on will expand. So therefore if I am focusing on negative more negative will happen, but I just need to vent right now.

My boyfriend and I barely saw each other this week because he was on afternoon shift. He was complaining before that we are not intimate enough and he had a valid point. What he failed to understand is I like many women I a sure, find it hard to be intimate when I am resentful of my partner. I have been feeling less then hopeful about our sustainability as a couple and it was affecting how I felt about him.

I decided as part of my new years resolution to be more affectionate and intimate as I know this is very important to men and to him in particular.
So yesterday when he picked me up to take me to work, I was caressing his face and telling him how I want us to be more intimate etc. he was pleasantly surprised and was really happy. I haven't seen a smile on his face that big in a long time. After work we went to my house to celebrate my mom's birthday.

We ended up playing that board game “Trouble” with my brother and his girlfriend. I was winning and my man tapped me on the head..like “good girl”. Well I got pissed. There are certain things that I detest and that is one of them. Sure maybe I overreacted but I feel like if I don't like something that is reason enough not too like it. Instead he tries to convince me how I am wrong.

So I got even more mad because now he is minimizing my feelings. We got angry at each other but we eventually made up and he promised not to do it again.
Today after he work he picked me up and we went to his house to indulge. The plan was to give each other massages. Normally we watch the hockey game but decided that this was more important, a miracle in itself. I was looking for a lighter and checked the cookie tin on top of his fridge.

In it I found proline tickets (a lottery here in Ontario where you bet on sport teams). Before I skip ahead I need to give some back ground info here.
He had some problems with gambling at the casino, playing blackjack. He is very good but if he lost he'd keep playing to try and win it back. It got real bad a year ago when he lost $2,000 in 3 days. He came clean about it and I said I couldn't be in the relationship if he continued to go to the casino.

So we went together to the casino and he banned himself. They took his picture and he knows if he re-enters he can be charged with trespassing. Last wknd I took him out to dinner to celebrate his 1 year anniversary of not going. He plays proline and the deal we had was that he can only play $10 a week. He has kept his promise until tonight.

When I saw the tickets he had played $30
NOW I realize to some people this may be nothing. After all its better than him going to the casino-yes! It's better than him going to strip clubs, bars, drinking (the only thing he drinks is water)-yes.
But its the fact that he made an agreement and he broke it and his excuse (cause there is always an excuse) was that there were a lot of college basketball games this wknd he wanted to bet on.

So I was mad and of course the intimacy never happened. And he has the nerve, the NERVE to say that I ruined it..fuk him. And then he broke another deal with me. We made an agreement that when I am there watching hockey he can't get mad like he usually does, by yelling at the TV. Well maybe it was because of the proline thing but he was swearing at the TV. OK I understand in a way because the Montreal Canadiens had a 4-2 lead over the Ottawa Senators and Ottawa came back. But he threw his remote and we talked about that before.

So now I am freaking confused, I love him with my whole heart or do I? I mean love is about acceptance but I can't accept him patting me on the head, playing proline and yelling at the TV, I can't do it.

So what do I do then? Do I end it? Do I keep a naïve hope alive that he will change/ I don't know, I am so damned confused. People just don't have integrity anymore (see my next post). I am one of the few left who do. So now I don't know where we stand he dropped me off I didn't talk the whole way which I hope worried him, because I am usually loud and aggressive. We were going to go to the movies tomorrow but frankly I don't want to see him. Yet, if he doesn't call I am going to be sad. See how confusing this is?lol.

Oh and in a few weeks we are going to Montreal to watch the Habs play omg..can you imagine how much of an ape he is going to be?
By the way the Habs ended up winning the game in a shootout tonight, so they still got their 2 points and he got mad for nothing
idiot!!!