Well finally the doctor I saw last week made more progress than the doctor's before.
I had a GIC today at 8am, because of my daily vomiting.
Basically I had to drink this awful stuff called “gas”
they gave me one small glass with this powder in it that looked like salt
and in the other hand some water.
You put the powder in your mouth first then water. Upon contact it fizzes up and you must swallow.
Well it fizzed up so much my cheeks were sticking out, luckily the technician grabbed the waste bin and I spit it all in. it was like eating 2 handfuls of salt and trying to swallow.
I did better on the 2nd attempt. I did it in small takes. It makes you feel like burping but I was told not too burp.

Then I lay on the Xray table all contorted. With my free hand they gave me a glass of chalky crap called “Barium” I believe. I was only allowed to drink it when the Dr. said. And at times while he was taking pictures, I had to hold my breath.
A very uncomfortable experience but because I always try to look for the good, it was neat to see on the screen my spine and stomach and intestines. Whenever I would swallow the Barium, you could see it on the screen going down by throat.
They gave me an injection, not even sure what it was for, but my arm is bruised and sore now. It looks something awful!

I am back at WAHC. It is a museum/art gallery that I started off volunteering in the artifact room. Then I got a paid position there: helping to create their website. The Executive Director whom I adored left to pursue a new career. Being upset, I left as well. Now I am back volunteering there once a week and hopefully the new ED will like meas much as the old one and hire me on again.

The building I work in is a designated Canadian heritage site and yes it is haunted! There have been reports of ghosts there since the 1800's. I myself experienced two separate unexplainable events. One was I walked into a room where the Child Labor exhibit is housed and it felt like someone was pushing me out. The other time I was in an office upstairs and heard what I thought was my co-worker call my name. I asked her what she wanted but when I turned around no one was there.
Anyways despite the creepy feelings I sometimes get there and the frequent headaches, I am glad to be back.

My man and I went to his doctor to talk about some problems that he is having with his new meds. Afterwards he took me out to dinner at this Mexican restaurant we both like. An old friend of mine is the manager there so she gave us a discount. What should have been over $40 she gave us for $18.

then we went to Winners (a department store here in Canada) and everything was 15%
all in all a good day!!!

There is an energy in the air, an electric charge. Can you feel it?

My skin feels alive, its humming.

President Obama took his oath today
and started on his path.

When he first announced his candidacy I was scared.
Scared he would be voted in for the wrong reasons.
Scared, because the world hated America. Hated Bush.
For the record I didn't mind Bush. I thought he was misunderstood, juvenile, funny.
I think he just wasn't the man for that particular job.
I think Obama is!!
I was scared that no matter who took office, the world would hate the West anyways.
But, there is a renewed sense of hope. Something we as global citizens have not had for a long time.
I know I have been searching for it. Any time hope would rear its head something would come along to dunk it back under.
Everyday you see, feel, hear stories of people suffering, maybe the stories were your own.
The economy is not so good, globally that is.
This is not just a north American problem.
War, hatred, anger, these things have plagued mankind since the beginning of time.
Holy men have come and gone and always talked about peace.
Some of us adhere to that sort of lifestyle
some prefer to live the life of the madman. It after all is an easier route.
Its easy to be miserable and blame everyone for the suffering inflicted upon us and indeed everyone else.
What have I learned form Obama's presidency? No more excuses!
No more excuses for not living the lives we want to live.
No more excuses for the injustices in the world.
As he said in his inaugural speech
“pick yourselves up and dust yourselves off”
this is a new dawn.
This is the time
our time
your time
my time.
No more bullshit
if we want to live in a better world it is time to make that better world, a reality
thats what I got from today
a renewed sense of purpose
thank you Obama
for lighting my fire!

MIRACLES do happen

Miracles have been happening all around
won't you open your eyes and see them?
Last week my father lost his wallet. The day after our furnace
broke down.
I didn't even write about it, I was so upset.
I felt like evrything was going wrong.

Yesterday my mom saw an envelope sticking out of our mailbox.
Written in black marker, on the front it said
“Nelo (spelled incorrect but this is my father's name)
Jesus loves you, cares for you “
his wallet was inside
someone must have found it on a snowbank and brought it to our home.
Everything was still inside as my father left it.
We don't know who found it. They never even knocked on the door
maybe it was an angel.
All I know is hope is alive today
hope that a better world is possible
and with President elect Obama's inauguration tomorrow
that feeling will only be renewed in me

did I tell you that I am trying to be positive? I really am...really.

I am in a pretty bad freakin mood. I have been trying to stay positive and I KNOW that whatever I focus on will expand. So therefore if I am focusing on negative more negative will happen, but I just need to vent right now.

My boyfriend and I barely saw each other this week because he was on afternoon shift. He was complaining before that we are not intimate enough and he had a valid point. What he failed to understand is I like many women I a sure, find it hard to be intimate when I am resentful of my partner. I have been feeling less then hopeful about our sustainability as a couple and it was affecting how I felt about him.

I decided as part of my new years resolution to be more affectionate and intimate as I know this is very important to men and to him in particular.
So yesterday when he picked me up to take me to work, I was caressing his face and telling him how I want us to be more intimate etc. he was pleasantly surprised and was really happy. I haven't seen a smile on his face that big in a long time. After work we went to my house to celebrate my mom's birthday.

We ended up playing that board game “Trouble” with my brother and his girlfriend. I was winning and my man tapped me on the head..like “good girl”. Well I got pissed. There are certain things that I detest and that is one of them. Sure maybe I overreacted but I feel like if I don't like something that is reason enough not too like it. Instead he tries to convince me how I am wrong.

So I got even more mad because now he is minimizing my feelings. We got angry at each other but we eventually made up and he promised not to do it again.
Today after he work he picked me up and we went to his house to indulge. The plan was to give each other massages. Normally we watch the hockey game but decided that this was more important, a miracle in itself. I was looking for a lighter and checked the cookie tin on top of his fridge.

In it I found proline tickets (a lottery here in Ontario where you bet on sport teams). Before I skip ahead I need to give some back ground info here.
He had some problems with gambling at the casino, playing blackjack. He is very good but if he lost he'd keep playing to try and win it back. It got real bad a year ago when he lost $2,000 in 3 days. He came clean about it and I said I couldn't be in the relationship if he continued to go to the casino.

So we went together to the casino and he banned himself. They took his picture and he knows if he re-enters he can be charged with trespassing. Last wknd I took him out to dinner to celebrate his 1 year anniversary of not going. He plays proline and the deal we had was that he can only play $10 a week. He has kept his promise until tonight.

When I saw the tickets he had played $30
NOW I realize to some people this may be nothing. After all its better than him going to the casino-yes! It's better than him going to strip clubs, bars, drinking (the only thing he drinks is water)-yes.
But its the fact that he made an agreement and he broke it and his excuse (cause there is always an excuse) was that there were a lot of college basketball games this wknd he wanted to bet on.

So I was mad and of course the intimacy never happened. And he has the nerve, the NERVE to say that I ruined it..fuk him. And then he broke another deal with me. We made an agreement that when I am there watching hockey he can't get mad like he usually does, by yelling at the TV. Well maybe it was because of the proline thing but he was swearing at the TV. OK I understand in a way because the Montreal Canadiens had a 4-2 lead over the Ottawa Senators and Ottawa came back. But he threw his remote and we talked about that before.

So now I am freaking confused, I love him with my whole heart or do I? I mean love is about acceptance but I can't accept him patting me on the head, playing proline and yelling at the TV, I can't do it.

So what do I do then? Do I end it? Do I keep a naïve hope alive that he will change/ I don't know, I am so damned confused. People just don't have integrity anymore (see my next post). I am one of the few left who do. So now I don't know where we stand he dropped me off I didn't talk the whole way which I hope worried him, because I am usually loud and aggressive. We were going to go to the movies tomorrow but frankly I don't want to see him. Yet, if he doesn't call I am going to be sad. See how confusing this is?lol.

Oh and in a few weeks we are going to Montreal to watch the Habs play omg..can you imagine how much of an ape he is going to be?
By the way the Habs ended up winning the game in a shootout tonight, so they still got their 2 points and he got mad for nothing
idiot!!!

integrity...do u got it?

Integrity
so how many times this week did people prove to me that integrity is dead?
Let's see first there is my so called bf and Maid of Honor for my upcoming wedding
(if it happens) who is always making than breaking plans with me. This week it was I am going to stop by after I drop my son at daycare. So I get up earlier than I had too I sent her an email and her response was she probably couldn't make it because she was on call at work. Shit happens, true! But last year this scenario happened probably once a week x 52 weeks in a year= you get the picture.
But the sad fact is she is my closest friend right now as most of my other friends have moved far away or also have kids and husband and mortgages and don't have the time for me.
My best option is probably to tell her straight that I am fed up but then that could cause problems. I have told her before that I always feel left behind and she always apologizes and says she won't do it again but lo and behold it always happens. Integrity
I go to the doctor because I have been throwing up daily for a few years (see a previous post) and she said someone will call me asap to get me an appt with a specialist..well 5 days came and went so I guess I will have to call and get on their asses about it. Integrity
you read the other post about my fiancé and his proline issues, integrity!!

people be part of the solution, in the olden days people gave their word and they meant it. Frig a handshake stood up as a legally binding contract. You don't get that anymore. People are too fuckin self absorbed. So when you tell someone you are going to do something do it! Otherwise don't even say it.

The other day at work I offered to do something and after I thought “man, why did I volunteer that?” but you know what? Too bad, I made a commitment and I kept it. That's INTEGRITY!!1

No heat on a cold day part deux

What am I thankful for today?
That I am not in Toronto!!! The downtown area, my old stompin ground had a blackout! So no one has heat. AT least our problem yesterday was a small piece malfunction and got fixed rather quickly. Who knows how long these people won't have power.
Oh and speaking of cold, a plane made an emergency landing in the frigid waters of the Hudson in NYC. Imagine being in the cold water when its this cold out?

Bloodtest

I have been throwing up almost daily for 2 years. Even though I was bringing it up at the doctor's, it always seemed to get pushed aside to deal with my other health problems. This time I am finally getting looked at. I have to have a lot of bloodwork done.I hate getting blood drawn. Its the stupid tourniquet. It makes me light headed. But it needs to be done. And I will have to have a gastro-intestinal coloscopy...joy

Thank God for heat and for a lesser price

Update:
I was so stressed.
But I took my mind off it, kept distracted.
The repair man fixed the furnace..and it only cost $200.
Now thats still a lot for us right now
but...the first place quoted us $600>.so this is much better
I am really thankful!And appreciative of heat.It just goes to show you.. had I focused on my misery, the day would have probably got worse and worse. what we focus on expands.

A COLD DAY WITH NO HEAT

As I was writing this and feeling sorry for myself..down the street a truck hit a car, no one was hurt but it made me stop and be thankful I am not in that situation!

I am trying, really trying to remain positive in a negative world.

Bad things happen to all of us. For an example because of the looming recession, My hours have been cut from approx 20 hours per week to 9 hours per week.
I opened a Canada Savings Bond so money is deducted from every paycheck. Which now that the my hours have been cut, mean less money for me.
The good thing is I live at home and have minimal bills. The bad thing is my father is a seasonal worker, so they do not work when its cold and snowing. And my mom's hours have been cut as well.
So of course as luck would have it, something happened to our furnace today and its not working. So it is very cold inside the house. And why wouldn't it be? the temp today is -20C (-4F)with the windchill. Tonight its going to drop to -30C.(-22F).
I am thankful we are not living in Winnipeg Manitoba where tonight it will be -43C
(-45F).
If the people come to fix it, it could cost hundreds of dollars which we don't have.

I am trying to keep busy as to not focus on our predicament. It is not easy. I am trying to clean my room, I am writing on here. I am going to go through any old receipts, papers etc and recycle stuff. I would like to get up into my attic and clean stuff up there but its way too cold. I am going to get on my knees and pray to God to help us out. I know we all have to get into the valley eventually, right now its an uphill battle and life is stressful.

It won't be like that forever!!!

I can't let it go..

I still CRY ..I don't know how to let this go

Friday, November 2, 2007
I am bitter...too much animal cruelty
For the last couple of nights a sweet little stray cat has been coming to my house to eat. He started tearing open our garbage bags, so I bought him cat food. He kept coming around and staying on our porch so I built him a little "house" basically a box, under a chair with an old sweater inside. At first he would just leave in the day and come back at night. But this morning I woke up and he was asleep in the box. I wanted to bring him in so badly but my parents said I couldn't because he may be sick and then pass whatever germs he has on to our two precious dogs. So after praying to God for some guidance, I called the Animal Control to have him picked up. I spent the day with him on my lap as he purred while I rubbed his little head. Now I feel as though I doomed him to death. I guess at the shelter he will be held for a bit then euthanized..I thought I was doing the right thing, I was concerned about him getting hit by a car, or freezing to death (as winter is approaching). And I felt so guilty seeing his sweet little face as he would peer in the window at me..and probably wondering why I would not let him in. But now I feel I might as well just have killed him myself.

why do people insist on having animals if they are not going to take care of them? Who do we as humans, think we are that we can bring a living creature into our home and not take care of it? Someone somewhere had this beautiful little cat..(who by the way made me chuckle when I noticed he was picking food out of the dish and licking it off his paw...)and let it go outside. People might say that "well he wants to go outside, keeping him confined is cruel"..To which I ask why does he want to go outside? Because he/she is not fixed...so as Bob Barker (Price Is Right) used to close his show by saying "Help keep the pet population under control, have your pet spayed or neutered"..He was..IS right!!! It IS a form of cruelty..and what happens is good people like me, who care about animals have to spend hours crying when I only tried to do the right thing because some other jerk let their cat out when they should have been keeping it inside!!! I am really heart sick over this..I have been rescuing animals all my life. I feel like not enough people care to help them out.